Life, is not a movie

I had started living in dreams. Started feeling life is a movie, a beautiful movie and then it kicked me right on my ass. So hard that i shall never forget. I had forgotten what reality is. Life is not bright but made of hundreds of shadows. Every day begins with a drop of tear, ends with a tear. Falling in love is out of question, ur heart pays a lot, n gets pain in return, just pain. Its memories we live with but what if the memories kill you? I have no more wishes left, as it always, mind you, always follows with something bad, it takes back something from you, something more than you asked for. Life, is not freedom but staying trapped in your thoughts, in the society. I wanna fly away, to a world where there is happiness, thats it i ask for, which i am sure doesnt exist. Heaven? It does? I wouldnt really mind going there too!

I love you...

I never thought i would go through this phase, i have dated guys before but it was never this bad. The break ups bothered me, but for a month or two and I was over it! But this guy, he just drives me so crazy. I have ego issues but when it comes to him I just bow down. Everyday I sleep with a tear, for not having him in my life anymore, every morning i wake up with a firm decision of not thinking of him anymore and moving on, the same night i have a tear again for thinking about him the whole day! The cycle continues, it does, every single day!
I dont know if its destiny that doesnt want us to be together or is it that its just the wrong time for us together. I do believe in destinies, but I really cant figure out that God's got some better plans for me or he just wants to see me in trouble or may be testing how much I love him.
His ego, thats another thing checking my patience, I wonder at times, a guy with so much of ego who thinks only he is the right one, not everytime but most of the time, no doubt he loves me immensely but a few things make me wonder should I really wait for him, is it worth crying for him day and night, is it worth being hurt so much by this guy? What if its just never meant to be? I really need answers for this, like asap!
But whatever he is, whoever he is, and however, I just know, for now, that i love him, i really do!

Move on bitch!

Second post, about the same guy obviously! I know its kinda boring but anyways.
I realized i cant be crying and holding back for the same guy. The guy who no doubt loved me or may be still does but his ego? Whats with that? If theres ego in between i am sure its not love. It just cant be love. Even i have ego and i agree to that. Hell of ego. I still took a step ahead, like always, asking him for a patch up say a month back. Amd still, a no. Its time i need to move on, see how pretty other things are except crying for a single guy, a guy that doesnt bother. Oh wait he does! As a friend obviously "why didnt u have your meal on time?" "Why did u have outside food?" "Took medicines?" And bla bla so on and so forth. He says all the guys who are behind me i give them wrong intuitions, fine may be. But what is he doing? My ex giving me wrong intuitions? Is it ok? You know that this girl is mad for you, can die for you and you treat her like that, that she cant even move on nor stay back? And i dont believe i said it all on sunday evening. I asked him not to care for me so much and not to bother me so much! Idk if i did right or no, but yes i feel better today. Yesterday was miserable so was sunday! But it has to go on this way. Not that i dont have options but if not him than no one. But now, fuck it! Too much taken, too much of pain and nonsense. Keep your ego, i keep my love and move on! This time its serious, move on like a bitch and not your doll who will melt when you come back for the patch up. Idk if u would read this or no. But it really doesnt matter any more!
P.s. i loveD you. I still do, but i wont anymore. #ifyouknwwhatimean.

Hopes.

Life works on hopes. Though it's a bitch but you never know when it takes your side. I was sure my first write up would be related to him, very sure. Jiten, someone i love. Broke up 7 months back and... Fuck it, not taking you to the past... But the last time we broke for 3 months, he patched up when he had gone to punjab. He left for punjab today. It suddenly got my hopes high... Like last time i had lost hopes... No sig  of patching up, but now it just feels there will be some magic... My consciousness says he will come back but my subconscious is so sure he wont. Waiting for Punjab to do something, specially, that Gurudwara where he had been which reminded him of me. Wahe Guru will do it and i know. Other wise, destiny! Let life keep fucking me till i dont move on, i hope i move on, someday!

Too boring as the first blog, i know! Not used to writing, but will, someday! Thats it for now, good night!